Trusting in the loving providence of God liberates you from selfish ambitions and allows you to discern the best way to respond in your place, which results in a fruitful life to the glory of God!
phil carnuccio. sermon on philippians 1:12 to 18

i love this statement. this is my life...but the opposite.

i get so bogged down. frazzled. irritable. i constantly try to manage within myself. it's more than frustrating, it's disappointing.
"trusting in the loving providence of God LIBERATES..." ahh, the beauty of being liberated! free from all the things that I want. the things that keep me from keeping my cool.
i'm working on it. daily. i have to remind myself to remember. how silly! but very true. i can go a whole day filled with worry and irritation without even remembering how selfish i am and how far i am from living a truly fruitful and productive life.

so this is what i am working on. today. i'm going to remember it all day. focus on it. soak it in. the moments that frustrate me and keep me bogged down are going to be cast out by my remembering. i long to discern the best way to respond right where i am. even if i am "just" a mom. even if i didn't have time to get a shower. even if my 3 year old throws a giant fit when he doesn't get his way. even if my 2 year old won't stop touching everything he shouldn't. even if i feel paralyzed by the thought of selling our house. the list could go on.

after all, it isn't just for me. though my own heart needs and desires to be blessed by my relationship with God, those little eyes soak me in everyday...watching, listening, responding...to me. it's a heavy dose of reality when my selfishness gets in the way of them seeing the unconditional love that christ gives me. actually it's scary. and rightfully so.

parenthood. as full of challenges as it is full of joy. my challenge is no longer lack of sleep or monotonous diaper changes. i thought that stuff was hard. but this stage is by far much more difficult for me because it deals with who i am...it gets to the core of me. little kids see that stuff, we just don't often realize it. my kids know me. the intonation of my voice. a sideways glance. my real smile and my fake smile. my reaction when something exciting or scary happens. worry. stress. they feel it all. i know because i see them react in the same way that i do. it's quite amazing when it is positive response. foster will walk up to rowan and rub his head tenderly and say "hey little buddy! i love you SOOO much!" or rowan will kindly bring a toy to our neighbor boy and say "here go noaieeee...you play." but it's quite the opposite when foster drops his shoulders and lets out a frustrated "UHHHHHGGGG!" when something goes wrong...in the same exact phrasing and timing as my own horrible frustration.

all this to say, i am aware of it. i feel it's importance. i'm going to meditate. take action. respond.

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