perhaps by her 13th month, i'll look back and wonder what all this fretting was about.
i'll lean over and kiss her chubby cheeks and give her a squeeze as we head to the park in a frantic rush of peanut butter and jelly, sticky juice cups, sand toys and an array of random stuff thrown in my bag, sure to squash my lingering sunglasses and melty granola bars.
i'll try hard to remember being without her...but the pain i've felt for so many months will be no more.
the void of a child missing will be filled with God's providence.
all of the perfectly folded leggings and tiny mary jane shoes will be scattered and lovely and muddy.
praise the lord for friends who don't mind redundancy. my dear friends came over this morning and we sat (yes, 3 moms sat for over 2 hours - it was a miracle of grand proportion) while the kids played endlessly with an array of bikes and sporting goods and water. oh and recycling bottles. thank the Lord for water and bottles. and we talked of life and school and things. faithful friends who have heard my irritation and laborious stories of waiting many times over. they know the answer before they ask. but they ask. care. seek on her behalf. they will rejoice and call out praises when at long last emery will be one of the tykes biking and watering and ball throwing. oh at long last.
sometimes it feels like life can't start without my little 11 month old emery. but i find something so amazing, even on really stressful days. the hope that God IS caring for us. for her. i don't hope that he "will" because He IS. currently. each day. there's no need to stress about the "will" because the IS takes care of it. amazing. He IS.
thank you Jesus for the way you grafted her together...for exactly who you made us to be and exactly the way you made her. we are meant to love each other and each day that passes i am grateful to be one day closer, even one hour.