despair and mathematics

last night, i awoke around 2am to someone crying. rowan was calling for me, and as i wandered sleepily into his room, he was sobbing and asking me to lay with him. so we snuggled for a bit. oh how i love snuggle sleepers. he puts his arm around my neck, or holds my hand and instantly falls asleep. it's precious. after a while, i made my way back to bed. but when i got to the hallway, i realized i forgot something. i ran frantically to find a flashlight and dashed back into the boys room. i started searching everywhere. under covers, in the closet.  i was feeling more and more frazzled as the seconds ticked by. i had forgotten to kiss emery and i was unable to find her anywhere. i found myself running down the hallway and into the sewing room. i ran back into the boys bedroom and then started racing down the stairs.
"where are you?!" i screamed.
"i can't find you! why can't i find you?!!" as my words called out into the darkness, i realized in an instant that i was sleep walking.
i stood in the stairwell blankly looking down the steps. i dropped the flashlight. there was no need for it. she isn't here. i probably should have felt pretty silly at all of my crazy traipsing around the house...flashlight beams coating every crevice, and my hairbrained-half-asleep self running rampid. but all i felt was despair. sadness. the way i feel when i really let myself admit how much i long for her.
i know i know. we are so close. literally just a few weeks away. but even a month means 3 meals a day that someone else will feed her (3x30=90). 1 bedtime and at least 1 nap that i won't get to snuggle her to sleep and feel her arm around my neck. (2x30=60)  the many times i stop and hug and kiss and tickle and hold and walk with and chase and giggle with my children. the many times each day that she isn't here to be a part of it. the little things count. the mathematics are staggering to me. i see it plainly. i have so much to catch up on.

i can't bare to read adoption blogs (save for our dear brooklyn, who just makes me sob like a baby because i love her so much!). i don't want to talk about travel dates and how much longer. oh how i hate that question because i've answered it so many times. the unknown of adoption is always there. constantly. i don't want to dream. i don't want to blog about my child who is 17,000 miles away. it's been 3 years. i'm ready for holding. tickling. walking and kissing. neck squeezing, lip smooching.

and then i come back to what i know to be true. i need to honor the process. be faithful in what i have in front of me. ashley wrote a great post today about being present...it really resonated with me. i can choose to walk through my days and nights in the terror of missing her...or i can choose to be present in what God has given me today. otherwise, i will never be satisfied, no matter what is going on. God knew this process all along, and He knew all i have to learn. it's not just valuable for adoption, but for all of life.


  1. Ohhhhhh Angie, I know where you are ... except that you have waited even longer. I can't write anything that will make it go away ... except that when you finally have her, I promise (pinky promise!) that all of that longing will dissolve away. You will forget ... or it will at least move into the subconscious instead of always being in the forefront. When you can finally touch her, look at her, smell her ... it will be the most difficult, beautiful and amazing thing you have ever done. And then you will never be able to imagine life without her.

    I know everyone says this ... it is SO cliche and I got SO sick of hearing it myself ... but you really are SO close! Once you get your TA (c'MON TA, seriously!!!!!), the next few weeks will be spent doing so much planning, it's kind of like you're not even waiting anymore! And then, in an instant, you'll be boarding a plane! And your life will change forever. Love you Ang!

  2. hang in there!! i will pray for you!

  3. sweet sister. I had a dream about our baby girl a few weeks ago. It was the best and worst thing ever. I was so sad to wake up. Praying for you...the guys in your life...and sweet Emery. Hugs.

  4. You got it. He's got you right where He wants you to be right now, revealing Himself to you in new ways and teaching you to be more like Him. It's valuable for all of life. Press on, dear sister.



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