squirrl dens {and healing}

we did a lot of this over the weekend:

these boys are so fun and full of life.
they turn our couches into something new everyday. yesterday it was a diving board. this morning it was a squirrel den. by this afternoon, we made a restaurant that served puppy chow. i love their imagination and ability to look at the same old stuff and see something new. what a beautiful outlook on life.

it was crazy cold this weekend. cold and raining.
oh and sunday was the craft show.

we didn't sell anything. nada. zilch.
it was 40 degrees and raining. uhg.
on the bright side, i now have enough wreathes, bags and coasters for our entire neighborhood, their friend's friends and their niece's 2nd cousin twice removed.

the high point of the day was a hot pulled pork sandwich. with coleslaw on top. that sandwich could make any discouraged craft show looser feel better. i'd like one right now, as a matter of fact.

so tonight, i'm dusting off my etsy shop and selling the surplus.

on a non-bummer note, clint scored a dream-worthy item for the kids on craigslist over the weekend. the $25 price tag on this pocket sized vehicle made all our dreams come true. we've put some serious miles on this baby already.

this 4 wheel vehicle is more emery's style...i think she would stay in there all day long if we let her :)

i haven't been blogging much. for fear of sounding redundant or scaring off any would-be partakers in the adoption surgery arena, i keep waiting for the great part to happen. the normal. the regular.
we aren't there yet.
it's been one week since surgery, but it feels like a year.
my dear sweet emery seems to be struggling more as each day passes.
i know God's plan for her doesn't end here.
i haven't lost hope.

one sweet reader (lindy - thanks dear) wrote a comment over the weekend that really resonated me, comparing what emery is struggling with to the process of grieving a loss. when i read her words, it instantly clicked. that's exactly what it feels like. the desperation and the deep pain in her screams is unlike anything i've ever experienced. i've never heard a child scream like this. never. it's intense and bone chilling.
the long hours of holding a baby that cannot be consoled, it's more challenging than i can describe. i often hold her and cry.
for the past 4 nights since we have been home, she has screamed and cried and thrashed for at least 5 hours each night. as if with each passing night, the terror is getting worse and not better.
we walk
we rock
we sing
we turn lights on
we turn lights off
we try food
we try medicine
we try sleeping next to her
we try her sleeping next to us
we try everything imaginable
and the screaming doesn't cease until she has completely exhausted herself

i know it will get better. i know we are in the hard part. but i hit a low point last night. after holding her for several hours, it was oh around 4am and i hadn't slept more than an hour all night. i slumped into bed and sobbed to clint, "i just can't do it anymore. i'm done. this is horrible. why is she STILL crying!!!"  
i want a reason. some significance to this pain she is going through. i want someone to tell me what i should be doing to help her. some secret method to make it stop. but there is no such thing.
God is working on her healing. it's not for me to know how it will come about.

and i love her. more than ever, i love her. if anything, i've learned she trusts me enough to show me this side of her life. the side that isn't scared to feel. she is ever our warrior. she's not wounded, she's healing. there's a difference.

so many people have left such encouraging comments and sweet emails. i'm working my way back through them, reading each one again and writing back to such incredible friends who have spoken life into me. i can't even describe what a blessing it has been to hear advice and love from so many.

i hesitate to publish. the self conscious part of me wants to just post photos and smiles and gloss over all of this. but i want to be able to look back and praise God for the way He brought emery through such a difficult time.


  1. Don't gloss over it, Angie. We all need to look back and see God's restoration of real pain, real struggle. I'm learning that my son's healing is a marathon, not a sprint. I can participate with Jesus, but the real work is His. I got so exhausted thinking this is all up to me--scrutinizing my every move as a mom. Sometimes there has simply been nothing left to give in a particular moment, and I have to realize that everything does not depend on this ten minute window (or one hour...whatever). J is still angry and anxious, and I cannot fix it all today. There is GRACE for us and our children. I will pray you and Emery get an extra lavish dose of the peace and rest and comfort of Jesus today.

  2. When Emery experienced such deep pain she didn't have language so she can't even process the pain she is re-visiting into worded thoughts in her head. Instead it is just shear pain. Now that she is safe she may be reliving it, before she couldn't because she had to survive. You are her shelter and safety AND the Lord is yours. He will give you the strength for the unbearable. We are on this journey too.

  3. Isaiah 61

    The Year of the LORD’s Favor

    1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
    because the LORD has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
    He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
    2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
    to comfort all who mourn,
    3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
    to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
    the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
    and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
    They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the LORD
    for the display of his splendor.

  4. P.S. on a lighter note--love your wreaths. Sorry none sold. Hope they will on etsy!

  5. I'm so sorry this has been as traumatic as it has for you all- you truly must be exhausted through and through. Keep on telling us how it is - that way we can send thoughts and hopes for what you need - even though I know all you need is a proper nights sleep and emery to be calm.

  6. Praying for peace for you and Emery, she is so precious! Be strong and know that you can do all things through Him!

  7. Angie -

    Thanks for the comment on my blog. Tears in my eyes.

    Praying for emery (and you!) this week. Things WILL get better!


  8. I love your words, "She's not wounded, she's healing" so true! You can see it in her, you're such a good mama.

    I pray you can peacefully comfort Emery - long nights are hard! (and long!)


    ps your art work is beautiful! sorry the weather was yucks!

  9. I check your blog daily, praying for you and hurting with you as you go through this. Life can be so hard!! I am glad to know you and have you in my life, you are an encouragement ESPECIALLY when life is hard and you are still holding on to faith in a loving Feavenly Father. Thank you for sharing:)


  10. Girl, your wreaths rock! You'll sell them on Etsy in a heartbeat!
    Thank you, from an about-to-adopt-mom for not glossing over it. Real life, that means so much. God is working in your little angel and in you. What a gift to look back and see how much He has done in your lives...treasure that. :) Many hugs! :) Miss Em will be in my prayers! :)

  11. Yes, give Him the glory! What she is going through now is so hard but one day she can look back on your writings and see what He has done for her!! Oh- and your boys are too cute! Love the craigslist find!

  12. You are precious. We are in prayer for you that God would wrap his tender arms around each of you, and bring you all peace and rest.



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