i've been avoiding my blog.
avoiding it for fear i'll end up saying the things i don't want to be honest about.
fear that my honesty will be judged, or my written words would make my truth even truer in my own heart.
if you decide to keep reading, please-oh-please, for my brokenhearted and self-conscious heart, keep in mind this is hard for me to share. i'd rather (MUCH rather) just post happy pictures and pretend away what's really going on in my life.
but after avoiding my blog for over a month, i keep coming back to the truth.
secretly hoping i'm not alone
praying desperately that someone who has walked this road before me is reading my blog.
there i said it
struggling to deal with the stress of life and the everyday craziness that is 3 kids under 5. i binge eat to sooth my stressful stomach and live filled with regret over the zillions of calories i've consumed. i cry over stupid things and get irritated over even stupider things.
usually, i can roll with the punches, find joy when things seemed bleak and truly trust God sees my brokenness.
but for the past few months, i feel alone.
i've started pulling out of commitments and therapies and appointments. the pace of our life is driving me crazy.
i find myself short tempered when usually i could find a calm.
i struggle to get through the day without bursting into tears and i must fight hard to pull myself out of bed in the morning, always begging for just a few more hours of solice.
coffee doesn't touch the exhaustion
i can't find my inner compass of motivation...i'm led by nothing, in a direction i don't recognise.
it's me. whoever that is
i don't recognize this person in the mirror.
sometimes i glimpse that fun, energetic girl that i love
the one who reads an extra story to the kids before bed, after a long day of adventure.
she lingers at the door and answers just one more late night question, sings just one more song, tells just one more story.
the girl who remembers her friends birthdays, folds the laundry and makes fun little surprise crafts for her kids to find at the breakfast table.
she plans her week and seems to know how to organize the chaos
she makes a meal for a friend and actually remembers to deliver it.
the girl who smiles and wears heels and dances around the house for no reason
she can find a way to do just about anything
she walks with creative adventure in her step, leading the way with little toes scampering happily around
perhaps this is all some horrible form of post-pardom-adoption coma. is that a real thing? dear Lord, let it be a real thing.
i spent years working and grieving and striving to bring emery home.
years of dreaming and planning
only to find that i was given the most incredible gift in return...i'd do it all over again a million times.
she is a most phenomenal gift. it was all worth it. every 80 hour week of sewing. every late night crying over piles of paperwork and unpaid bills.
each of these 3 children are my lifetime treasures. incredible, amazing, terrific treasures.
i'm totally addicted to them.
i have a husband who loves us, who would do anything to provide for our family
i'm a stay at home mom, and although finances are tight, we can make it work on one income
i have everything i need. everything i've always wanted
so why must i feel this deep sadness. deeper than i've ever felt.
the moment the kids are in bed, a part of me collapses. the part i've been holding up all day.
i find myself begging...
"God are you going to help me yet? lift me out of this trudge? scoop me up to a place i recognise? show me there is a way even when there isn't a way? i just can't do it all anymore."
i'm a super control freak
i want to do it all. be all.
and that's not where God wants me.
i'm not supposed to be the center.
i'm getting it...more and more as each day passes and i struggle to find my way...i'm not the center.
i'm repeating scripture everyday. all day. even when i don't feel like it. especially when i don't feel like it.
"rejoice in the Lord always. i will say it again, "Rejoice!" Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers & sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me, put it into practice. and the God of peace with be with you." philipians 4:4-9
i can see now, as i look back over the past few years, i taught myself to push on, no matter what. i said in my mind "i'm relying on God" but in my actions, my heart, my core, i was at the center. trying my best to control everything and make things go the way i wanted them.
and boy oh boy...they never went like i planned. they weren't supposed to.
reaping the benefits of my self-centeredness has been the hardest lesson of my life.
trying to verbalize all of this feels impossible, but perhaps my heart is felt as you read.
there is hope.
even on days that i hold myself up and press through the day...
there is Hope.
the real kind that doesn't make sense
it catches me off guard in moments that feel impossible
the real kind that appears when i need it more than anything else.
praise God for Hope.