a lot of random {including fancy cakes, pretty purses & post adoption depression.}

when all else fails, fall asleep at 8pm while telling bedtime stories.
that's my go to move when i get all mixed up in life, being over-committed and just plain exhausted.
i awake to find i am stealing nearly all of my son's blankets, my head is teetering dangerously on a stuffed animal horse as a makeshift pillow and a serious kink in my back has arrived that will take days to work itself back to normal.
the cover stealing and neck kink aside, there is something wonderful about falling asleep at 8pm...something magical happens the next day. i'm fully awake. i don't need coffee. i'm feel like a crazy awesome super mom. the house gets clean and i might even attempt a few crafty going-on's (while avoiding packing all-together).

my 8pm accidental fall asleep doesn't come often, so i drink coffee. push past the perilous first hour of the day and find myself energized. not because i slept enough, but because i'm finding my joy again. joy in God's grace and His ability to provide for my family, even when i can't pull it together.

i'm finally gaining some clarity as i look past over the last year of life...and with clarity, i've become sadly aware of the area suffered most. i have found that i need to un-do what my post adoption depression disorder did to my family. specifically in the parenting arena (and my 12 lb weight gain).

yes. i said it. post adoption depression disorder.

the phrase i was too ashamed and disheveled to admit while i was struggling to survive each passing day, is now something i am able to speak out loud. finding my way through has given me such greater compassion toward other moms, and a greater understanding of the stressful toll my emotional, physical and spiritual self suffered.

i have much to say on this topic, but today, i feel as though i need to put it out there.

i have read very few honest accounts of other mom's struggling through this beast. and in my deepest, darkest days, i longed to feel like i wasn't alone. i wanted to at least know that i would survive and come out on the other side.

if it isn't something you've struggled through, keep your feelers out for friends who might be in the midst. unable to see themselves out. needing someone, anyone...to let them know they are loved. take flowers. send a text, a call, a meal.
a dear friend did this for me...diligently over the course of a few months. God used her in a most powerful way in my life and i can honestly say her kindness was clearly one of the ways God brought healing to my life.

more to come soon.

we currently have a little girl who decided, after 6 months of sleeping 13 hours at night, she no longer feels like sleeping...or at least not in her own bed. yes, my friends, my sweet little sweetie is quite demanding oh around 2 am...and i am quite easy to convince.

seriously cute, right? you should see her in the middle of the night when she's sad. it's impossible to resist :)

so we end up something like this.
me and emery. snuggled cheek to cheek, hand in hand, snuggled on my fluffy pillow. she breathes like the sounds of heaven and i smile for hours as i peacefully slumber next to her.
and then there's clint. he sort of gets kicked in the face, chest, arm, etc amidst all of our snuggling. emery likes to sleep in a somewhat sideways configuration so as to maximise our snuggling...but it also maximizes the lack of sleep for mr. clinto.

*thanks Alicia for the good laugh and for sending me this pinterest gem :)
i have a feeling this is exactly how clint feels :)

so, we are working on tactics to thwart her night time addition to my pillow.
i just can't quite seem to deny her the comfort of knowing we are close to her. it's harder to transverse then sleeping issues we had with the boys.
it's different. i'm different, and there is something so soothing for me to give her the security of mom and dad when i know she hasn't always had it. but then again, we aren't sleeping, she gets her way, and i wonder if we are doing her a disadvantage by not helping her develop healthy sleep patterns. oh and we are inconsistant and exhausted.
it's a recipe for midnight disaster.
comments? suggestions?
am i crazy? don't answer that :)

and then there's my rejuvenated etsy shop. i've missed sweet etsy, but needed the lengthy lapse that has occurred naturally after miss emery came home.
the past few weeks brought a rush of orders and i'm excited to add some spring colors to my classic "Emery Lin Clutch Bag".
check out the new sassy springs...

i'm excited to guest blog today over at my in-law's famous bakery. ok, let's be real. i'll use any excuse to peruse pinterest and find lovely ideas...add in the opportunity to write about such finds and i'm one happy lady :)

(see sources and all my cake finds here)

 the bakery is a part of life in our family. it's normal to have fantastic cakes floating around, fancy fondant creations for any occasion and getting to see first hand just how amazing they are. clint's brother (chad) and sister (christie) have recently taken over the family business and skyrocketed it to the next level. check out the cake-awesomeness that is The Master's Baker.

we found out this morning that the settlement on our house, which was scheduled for thursday, is delayed again. for the 3rd week in a row. the bank required us to replace 4 broken windows on the 3rd floor before settlement. we were bummed to put out extra money before the house was officially ours...and then the bank offered to pay for the windows...and pay clint to install them. yea, crazy awesome.
so we were fine with waiting. peachy keen, in fact.
until the window company forgot to make the windows.
they are supposedly on an express production line today, and will be escorted to our house later this week, but not in time for closing.
delayed again.
but, hey, i work better under pressure anyway. who needs perfectly packed boxes when you can have 3 extra weeks to procrastinate?

this is the point of the night when i have so much more to write, so much more that i keep forgetting to document and a powerful desire to stay up all night just to finish all that i didn't get done over the past week. and then i pass out on the couch. i wake up wearing what i wore all day, the dishes are still unwashed, the piles of junk didn't get put away and i have a sinking feeling we left the front yard littered with all sorts of clothes and toys and possibly a few hermit crabs.
i sigh.
such is life.
tomorrow it starts all over again.
and i love it.


  1. hugs, angie. seems like you're finding your way out of the darkness. thanks for being honest. :)

  2. My boys would crawl into our bed more than I'd like to admit. I was just too tired to fight. My 4 year old still does it and sometimes I don't even wake up.... Thank God we have a king size bed.
    BUT have you ever seen this?? My husband and I died laughing. We'd always get the "H is for Hat" except the hubby would be the one getting kicked.

  3. Angie- I've always loved how open & honest your blog is. It's one of the reasons yours is one of my favorites! :) (Jerusha's too!!) I went through postpartum depression after my daughter was born & waited for the post-adoption depression once our son was home. I'm still not sure if I got the PADD, but I will admit that for a good 3-4 months after we got home, I was convinced that we had made a huge mistake. It wasn't that I didn't love our son - I DID! (as I know you love Emery!). But, my marriage was falling apart around me. We had taken our daughter with us to China, so every single person in our family had jet lag for a month at least. Plus, as you know, we had to then find our "new normal." It was a dark place to be in. Everyone in our family suffered for it. But almost a year later, we're all still here. And I'm still married (thank God!!). It affects everyone differently, or not at all. I probably wasn't very honest in my blog posts during that time. But it was hard to admit to myself the severity of what we were going through during those days. Was it PADD for me? I still don't know for sure. It took a year for me to "get over" my PPD. And there are still days I have to do a little check-in with myself: am I feeling down because of this situation, or is it depression again? Just having a bad day, or is it more like a bad week/month? Do I feel like I can handle these feelings on my own, or do I need to look for help? I still take one day at a time, sometimes one hours (or less!) at a time.

    All that said... I can't wait to adopt again. I think I may be a glutton for punishment! Our son is also going through a phase of waking between 4-5:30 am, daily. It's awful. Sleep deprivation is the worst. But rocking him in the middle of the night, listening to his breathing, seeing his now-peaceful face as he sleeps in my arms, & hearing him whimper "no" when I attempt to lay him back down - Heaven on Earth. I know you know it is all worth it in the end. It's just a matter of walking through the crud in order to find the sunshine once again. You will get there! I wish we lived closer - I would love to get to know you in "real" life!!


  4. Ang,

    I am so Happy you are finding God's Joy again. I had yet another meltdown last night when my unsoothable tot would not stop screaming and my boys were not being the kindest things. I really feel like a lot of it is spiritual attack. Love Love your etsy store. I may have to sneak over there when I get next months spending money. :) i am mailing those clothes hopefully tomorrow. Blessings friend Have a Great Day

  5. I was coming to your blog to tell you it was time for another post!! I just have so identified with so much of what you have blogged, only a few months later. The rough times, the "why cant cleft smiles be the normal", the funk, and yet the totally loving my kids and my husband and I cant believe how lucky I am to share life with them up close!! Keep writing my friend--I sense God's pleasure when I read what you write!!! You are a huge blessing!

  6. oh boy. Do I ever know what you are talking about....Oh, and that pinterest made me spit coke at the computer, LOL'ed so hard!! ha!!! I feel a little bit of sanity with Tahlia finally making it through the night (after 4 months) w/o coming to our bed. I REALLY do understand that desire to feel them close to you, and to envelope them in your embrace while you listen to them breathe soundly and so peaceful in your arms. Its heavenly. But, I was so missing my hubby snugglin' time!
    Have you thought about bringing the crib in your room and starting over to wean her back out? What about a toddler bed, the novelty may make sleep fun! Its so hard to figure the sleep thing out, isnt it??
    Anyways, I appreciate your honesty....always have. You have such a special compassion and understanding that can breathe life into others...God uses you, girl!! Keep writing.
    Though, I know it is so hard to find the time. I want to document SO MUCH MORE....but, can't keep my eyes open long enough. LOL
    SUCH IS LIFE! Better to live it...then blog it! ;)
    (but I LOVE reading your blog)

  7. Oh I love you, my dear friend Angie! That is all.

    Well that and we need to catch up. It's been entirely too long.

  8. How I love your heart ... so grateful that you share it with us here, especially as I am navigating all of the many emotions that come with the adoption journey, the constant co-existence of joy and mourning, suffering and glory ... such is the Christian life. Would love it if we could meet one of these days so I could consider you a real friend instead of just someone I think would be a great friend from reading her blog :) Maybe at a Created Care Retreat. I am determined to make it there in the fall :)

  9. I found myself shaking my head agreement as I read this post as I have been finding myself struggling with some of the same feelings. Some days I find it hard to get myself out of bed because I feel completely overwelmed and worry that I'm not enough for my family. Abby turns next week so she is really active and now takes notice if I am flaring and can't play with her in the floor or outside. I worry that my husband will get burned out taking care of not only our me as well. Thank you so much for sharing what is in your heart & through your honesty I know I don't have to feel alone

  10. Your honesty is so refreshing! I just love you girl! I'm happy to have these posts to look back on in a few months and feel better that I'm not alone! I just hope you know what a blessing you are! Talk soon!

  11. We have sleep issues in our house. And it is what is driving my Post Adoption Mental health challenges, I swear. I am so tired that I find it difficult to be the kind of mom I want and that Emma needs. This is a real problem that the 'experts' ignore. They tell you to cosleep and just suck it up and not sleep. It just doesn't work for all of us and instead of coming up with other ideas, we are just bullied into thinking we are bad parents and continuing to try to achieve something that is unachievable (i.e. being a good mom - loving, bonding, etc - while severely sleep deprived). Foreign Army's torture ppl with sleep deprivation for a reason...it is real people!!

    I clearly don't have the answers but I know this is a huge gap in adoption 'experts' work with AP's and their kiddos. Not just post adoption depression but the inputs and outputs from it.

    Thank you for being honest, please continue to share more!!

  12. Great catch up post...as I am behind on your blog.
    Love your honesty. So, thank you.
    The clutches...A DOR A BLE.
    The cakes...super fun.
    One day...when I am not overrun with toddlers, I vow to get back in touch with my creative side..if I can find it again.

  13. Hi Angie,
    I don't know you, but I love reading your blog. (I came across it via a friend who's had you take their pictures.) I love seeing your family, and look forward to the day when our family will be bigger via adoption as well. Thank you for your honesty on everything, and really? I saw your latest post with the new family photos and I think those 12 lbs look fabulous on you!

    Also, a friend of mine specializes in counseling/therapy pertaining to adoption (before and after), among other things. Her website is www.JSinarski.com... it might be helpful to have someone walk you through all of these feelings that come with such an emotional rollercoaster as adoption.

    I look forward to reading more!



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