i'm just going to pretend it hasn't been a month since i last wrote. pretend that i'm here all the time. ever writing. ever coming up with brilliant things to say.
no, scratch that.
pretend you and your kids came over to play. paper star wars airplanes and balls and paint splatters are wizzing by. someone is running down the stairs wearing the top half of spider man and the bottom half of a karate uniform. someone is snatching the pumpkin bread on the table before we even get a bite, and someone else is making a baby giggle by throwing cheerios in the air and failing to catch them in their mouth.
that's more normal. pretending that wouldn't be far from the truth. you and i could sit and attempt to talk whilst the children find all sorts of messy things to occupy themselves. i'll pretend not to care about the mess (when inside i'm dying to sweep the floor. i'm a freak about dirty floors...but since mine are rarely clean, everyday i try to get over it :)
let's just pretend it spring. and the breeze is delightfully warm. shoes are kicked aside and the kids are playing in the hose as we sip lemonade in-between trips to gather snacks and paraphernalia.
and that would be more like normal around here.
i often feel like i'm outrageously busy doing a whole lot of things that don't really have anything to show for at the end of the day. with the school pickups and drop offs and the daily therapy sessions, life has been a blurr of late.
except for those moments each day...the moments when i catch someone feeling a bit sad. we snuggle on the couch for a bit and talk through their hurt feelings or their worries. it's those moments that last. not the endless snack trays or the immense quantities of toys that are strewn about within 5 minuets of being cleaned up.
the long talks we have before bed or driving to and fro in the car. the stories they devour from my childhood or the silly tickle fights and projects we conspire together. the deep spiritual questions of life and death. those are the things i will look back and miss someday. in fact, the days when i am drenched in selfishness checking email, or texting about this or that, i already miss out on those moments of awesome. and it's heartbreaking.
i have days or weeks of feeling bogged. exhausted. uninspired.
and i've realized that it's in those moments that God is purposeful about getting my attention.
i often find my worth in what other people think of me. in feedback or comments or assumed opinions. it's a dangerous slope to put ones value in because it's unpredictable and sometimes harsh or quiet. but i do it everyday, and it's a way of viewing myself that i want to change. if my self worth isn't gauged in the way my Creator values me - measured in the truth of how He sees me, then every other measurement will make me feel lousy and wanting.
lots of self change happening around here.
and then there's blogging.
does anyone else find blogging to be a soul soother? i could write for days.
alas, i worry that i've lost my art. my inspiration. perhaps i'll take a month and try to get back into a groove. i'm sure there's something in there that needs to be said, if only i can find it.
this fancy little thang has been bopping around life as usual.
she's talking so much lately, and we literally watch her pronounciation improving daily. she never ceases to amaze me with what she knows and the capacity she has to learn and grow. if i'm being honest, she's quite a sassy little thing, as well. all that sass and determination is a quality i cherish in her, but the sass is a lot louder now that it has words to go along with it. good gracious, she's such a fighter i worry that i'm not quite brave enough to take her on!
i have recently unlocked some secrets to emery and they have helped us both to understand each other better. i'll share those soon, hoping that others who have strong willed and delightfully sassy kids can benefit.
can i ask what other parents do when their kids scream "no!!!" back at them? you know, the one with a defiant foot stomp, arms crossed and an angry face? my boys never screamed back at me in this way. maybe i dodged a bullet earlier on, but i'm surely gaining it back ten fold.
i'd love to know some techniques from other parents of kids from "hard places" (as opposed to bio kids, as i believe different techniques are necessary).
** update: loved this comment from MarthaB! thanks girl!
....more to come soon, poor little lost blog.