i can't quite explain it, but the moment this little one was born, i needed her. with all my might, with all my soul and all my being. she is a treasure i had no idea i needed so very badly. it's as if my heart has been waiting for her without my knowledge. when she is with me, she looks deeply into my eyes. she snuggles close and calms at the sound of my voice or the moment my hand reaches for her. she is brand new. un-hurt and un-scarred. she doesn't have any past, only the future. i don't wonder where she was yesterday or one year ago. i know exactly her very presence in every moment of her life. i had no idea what a treasure this knowledge, this closeness actually is. if you don't know it, don't ever find out. if you find out, don't ever forget how very special it is for your child to know only you. to know only joy. to know only the calm of your voice and the safety of your arms. i needed to start over with a baby that would trust me from the very start. i needed it.
and she is so much more than the fulfillment of my needs, but at this time in my mothering, in this moment of my mid-30's i cannot imaging anything or anyone being a joy to match this tiny wonder girl.