adopting {lots and lots and LOTS of babies}

when we started the paperwork to adopt emery, i thought and prayed deeply about the impact and impression it will make on our family.
could i handle the unknowns that were sure to come?
surgeries, doctors visits, therapy sessions, emoptional scars, family counseling, attachment issues, etc.
the possible negatives could mount up quickly if not kept in check with God's ability to heal

and now, 6 months in, i'm finding i have so much yet to learn. so many days that i wonder if the choices i am making as a parent are the right ones. i struggle. it's hard.

my dad always says:
anything highly worthy of doing is the hardest thing you can do 
and he's right...oh so right.

but there is another side to the challenge...it's the reward. today, i was present for something God needed me to see...one of the many rewards of adoption: its impression on my family

i've seen an incredible change in foster and rowan over these past few months. especially in foster.
when we sit to eat, he often asks if we can buy more chairs for the table so we can make room to adopt more babies. he talks of filling up our house with rooms and beds and kids. his heart is being captured by God's love for children in need...what a beautiful sight!

we've talked openly about orphanages. what the conditions might have been like for our sister. we've looked at pictures and considered what it would feel like to be one of those children. we've talked about birth parents and answered honest questions as best we could.
but we don't overtalk about it.

nonetheless, the boys "adopt" everything. they "travel to china" to adopt a baby nearly everyday.
sometimes they make cardboard box ships and set sail, coming home with a vessel filled with newly adopted stuffed animals
sometimes they schlep stuffed animals from their bedroom all the way downstairs one by one, carrying each one carefully on their journey across the world.


but today, i was struck by their deep understanding of what an orphanage is like...even taking on the role of orphanage caregivers. they gathered babies and lined them up in beds. they paid special attention to the sick ones, and went down the line offering food and band aids.
i wrote down some of their conversation, for fear i would forget such a precious moment. i couldn't for the life of me find the video camera. it was MIA, of course.

it went something like this...foster taking the lead and rowan repeating and adding accessory comments:


"rowan, hold that one carefully...she needs surgery soon. gentle, ok?"
"now this one, put her over here. she's so tiny!"

(hospital beds were in the works, and various medications were being administered)

foster:
"don't worry babies! your mommy and daddy will be here soon!"
"we'll take care of you until they get here."
"don't cry sweetie! it's ok!"

(all three kids are busy feed babies, making tiny beds, hugging babies, preforming surgeries, band aid repairs, etc.)

"their moms and dads haven't come yet..."

rowan: "oh no! that's terrible!!"

foster: "let's adopt all of them!!"

"hi baby, i'm your daddy! you're safe now!!"

(snuggle snuggle, hugs, kisses, etc)

(in the background, i'm choking back tears)

foster:

"i have lots of kids at home...do you want to come home and be a part of our family???"

said with extra enthusiasm

(me, full on weeping)

(...and then a character shift from orphanage caregiver to big brother...)

"babies, do you want to meet my baby sister? she's right here!!!"
(pointing to emery)

"my baby sister loves me so much!!"
(hugging her and smothering her with kisses as she tries to wiggle away :)

"hi mom and dad!! here's all my baby sisters!!"
"look, i look good care of them!"

(it was then that i was called away from my secret post of photoshooting and sobbing to come and be the mommy for all of the babies.)


their play got me thinking. would i have had the courage to talk with the boys deeply about these real life situations without emery coming home? would i have made a point to share with them the hurt of so many children (140 million to be exact) and the hope of adoption?

i already know the answer. i would have been too afraid to trust they could handle such truths. such pain. i wouldn't have given them enough credit to be able to consume deep sadness and allow God to produce hope.

because that's what God does.
He produces Hope out of despair

there are many many things in life i don't understand
i'll never know why emery was left at the gate in front of a government building at one day old
i'll never know what her mom was feeling that day or if she thinks about emery now
does she wonder where her small baby is? is she searching for emery the way i am searching for her?
does emery have more brothers and sisters?
most likely we will never know
and even harder, emery will never know these things either
there are hard questions.
adoption comes with a lot of questions, and often, few answers.
i feel a deep, paralyzing burden for her future pain and the fact that no matter how much i love her or care for her...no matter how many years i have longed for and made plans for her...it's never enough to heal the hurt of abandonment
but it's not my job to heal.
i can't produce Hope out of heartache...
but our sweet Father can
He has an incredible plan for my children
and i have a feeling that emery's brothers will play a vital role in God's plan for her healing
because He does have a plan
a grand and beautiful plan
being a part of it is better than i ever could have dreamed.

sweet and spunky {the girl who never sits still}

for a fleeting moment, sweet little spunky stood still
i just so happened to have my camera
it was like the stars aligning for my one and only unblurry photo of late
my very busy, cheerful, and breathtakingly-lovely girl (2 weeks post-op)

and for posterity, here is the before:

 

and then she started moving again :)
helloooo half blurry photograph...

homecoming day {it's everyday}

i remember emery's homecoming like it was yesterday...

(toes on U.S. soil :)

most of all, i remember emery meeting her big brothers for the first time. i have never EVER before seen such pure joy and excitement on their faces. they literally smothered her with love and kisses and giggles. it was all of the things you dream of when a new sibling joins the family.

it was a glorious moment, forever captured by my dear friend, nicole. these photos are some of my favorites of all time.

fast forward to normal life. sister is wonderful. but she's a little sister. she grabs toys and has been known to scream/squeal/shriek when she doesn't get what she wants. she always ALWAYS wants to be side by side with her big brothers, mimicking and copying and playing just like them. she's quite the car aficionado these days.
both big brothers have shown so much love and maturity over the past few months. but it can be frustrating to have a toddler smashing the tower you just built or snagging one of the cars you just lined up for a race, or drawing all over your school binder with a sharpe...

i am ever in awe of foster. this big brother lives homecoming over and over each day. the bond i see between these two is one of my deepest treasures. foster doesn't get frustrated by his tower crushing, car stealing gal. he speaks sweetly and cares deeply for how she is feeling. he knows her so well, and often is the voice for what she needs. he is quick to laugh, quick to help, and quick to bring her into his land of play. what a beautiful sight to see.

i rarely find a moment to snap pictures of them together. partially because they move so fast that most of my photos end up blurry :) and partially because i'm making a concious effort to be more present. i've found it's more difficult that i realize to be fully engaged all day, every day.
i have a lot to learn from this big brother.
he is focused and present and delightfully wonderful. all the time.
he's my hero.

today, he got out all of her dolls and helped her take them on a picnic. he rocked them and fed them and put them all in bed. he sat emery on his lap and showed her how to tuck the babies in before they fell asleep.

somehow, he knows just what to do. he knows just what to say.
her smile says it all.

we had a beautiful day

i'm exhausted.
shortly, my eyes will be closing and my head will sink deeply into my feathery pillow.
but oh, this day.
our mid-morning and early afternoon was spent gallivanting around IKEA
(quite possibly the loveliest place on earth)
i told the boys i had a surprise adventure, but didn't tell them where we were going. when we pulled up in front of IKEA, rowan said "oh mommy, i'm so happy! as soon as i take my seat belt off, i'm going to give you a big hug and kiss!!" 
gotta love a place in which moms and kids can share the same enthusiasm.
we indulged in a semi-cheap lunch, had 3 ice creams and made the purchase of a new craft organization center that was on clearance. oh and emery snuggled at least 19 stuffed animals. and i when i say "snuggled" i actually mean "smothered". it was adorable, though probably very uncouth, being that we didn't purchase any of said smothered animals.
we did, however, test out various couches, tabletops and rolly carts. all were found little-boy proof. way to go IKEA. you survived another day.

IKEA just to happens to be on the way to CHOP (children's hospital of philadelphia), where emery had her post-op visit today.
not only was her doctor thrilled with her recovery, he said it's one of the best CL/CP repairs he's ever done!!
and it gets better...
as he was cleaning out her nose stints (can you sense the screaming that ensued?) he decided to take them out!!
yes, we are nose stint free!!!
booya!!
hoping to snag a few pics tomorrow :)

and now back to my feathery pillow.
blogs and pictures can wait.
so can dinner dishes and 7 loads of laundry, a half organized organizing center, a nearly torn apart craft room, a disheveled toy area and the remnants of an electric pencil sharpener that "accidentally" opened while it was "accidentally" carried all over the house.
yes, i'm sure i'll have time for all those things tomorrow.

i'm beginning to look a lot more asian...

the dissoluble lip band-aid. i've been waiting for the day when it removes it's crusty food-clad self...

voila!! when she woke up this morning, it was gone!!!

seriously, her skin looks amazing in person! there is no scar, just peachy brand new skin. i can't even see where the stitching was!!!

the nose tubes are another story.

she is handling them better than i am.

they look painful and boogery and i hate them.

but i know the longer they stay in, the better the long term nose result will be.

we are hoping to keep them in for 7 weeks.

we have 5 weeks, 4 days to go.

since they are sewn in, we must be very careful not to let her pull at them. thankfully, thus far, she is terrified to touch her sweet nose. if i had tubes sewn up my nose, i would be too. 

i have 7 posts drafted about how much i miss her cleft.

i don't think i'll ever post them.

each one makes me sounds crazier than the next.

it is a strange conundrum to love her new appearance and at the same time desperately wish for one more kiss, day, moment, year with the old.

i'm missing her smile and silly expressions the most.

thankfully, we are seeing her personality shining through again, which helps.

i will always upon always cherish our 5 months with the original. i will always upon always swoon when i see a cleft baby. and if we ever adopt again, i will seek out a creatively lipped child because my eyes have been changed. my soul has been engraved with the beauty of God's creation in something i never found beautiful before.

to know a creatively lipped child is to love them for the rest of your years.

there is something so special and life changing about this girl and the way she has changed my soul.

it's not her cleft...it's who she is.

her spirit. determination. peaceful joy in the face of adversity.

 it's who she was created to be and the way God amazingly intertwined our lives and our family.

in fact, i seriously think we are starting to look alike...

take this one for example...one of my favorites of her and i on the morning of her surgery...

is it just me, or am i beginning to look at lot more asian?? :)

makes me want to jump through my computer and kiss her sweet little face off!!!!

it's quite sunny {our normal day}

we had a normal day.

2 in fact. i'm marveling at the normal.

we drew crazy stuff all over the floor.

we had a playdate (gasp. it's been weeks)

we opted out of wearing our pj's all day (gasp again. it's been weeks)

we took down the tree

we made messes and put stuff away, only to get it all back out again.

we are on day 2 of no meds. that's right. oxycontin sits lonely on the shelf.
baby girl is back.
she smiled and giggled and ran around
we all chased her and tickled her and marveled at her lower lip smile (since the top lippie is still a bit frozen)

she got into stuff and climbed and ate cookies and freaked out when the cookies were all gone.
she's back.

and since i've been trying to slam her with calories (her slight 17 lbs is now back in the 16's - sometimes i wonder if she's actually a newborn :) i've resorted to cookies.

post surgery she got extra picky. even her usual favorite avocados were a no-go. yeesh.

with cookies, i've introduced all of the things i would never normally do...like douse every edible item with butter, olive oil, syrup, etc. i buy fatty cuts of meat, serve hot dogs for lunch and make quesadillas super extra crazy cheezy. and much to the boys delight, i add hearty portions of chocolate syrup to her smoothies (to which they also indulge) and slather anything and everything with peanut butter.

but the cookies have been trouble.

maybe it's her 18 month age.

maybe it's the sugar coma i have induced

but girlfriend has learned the power of the throwdown tantrum.

she's a professional.

even adds a fancy head fling-flair and a spin move whilst imposing her blood curl scream.

i gotta say, i've given in a time or two

which, as we know in mom land, only makes the next tantrum that much worse.

no more sister. no more.

i gently walk away from the throwdown. not out of the room (still trying not to disrupt attachment) but a gentle back turn is all that is required for the antics to pause.

if i even so much as turn my gaze ever so slightly in her direction

whoa mama. look out.

it's actually kindof humorous....or at least it would be if it weren't so frustrating :)

i say all of this...because it's normal.
it's life stuff.
and the throwdown tantrum is childrearing 101.
it means we are on the other side of surgery.
the real life side.

i'll take throwdown cookie tantrum any day over horrible, pitiful, sobbing cries.
we are on the other side.
it's quite sunny over here :)

emery praying {enough said}

there is much to say...
but nothing quite as beautiful as this:
emery praying
enough said.



ps. this was 4 days post op. i'm wearing clint's old crazy sweatshirt because i may or may not have showered in several long days. em was still really swollen and we were in the midst of a horrible day...she had been crying most of the morning (after crying most of the previous night)...i was a hot mess of upset watching her struggle...and then we captured this little gem of a moment. a glimpse into her incredible resilliance, her sweet-upon-sweet spirit, her ability to charm us in an instant. oh this girl...she's a beauty in every way.

squeaking by {post-op post}

we're squeaking by today. day one home after surgery is never easy, but my girl is doing surprisingly well. she's not happy and is agitated a lot, but she is still determined to play and be up to her usual antics. she's dying to jump on the couch...it seems her main goal today is to catch one of us not looking and work her way up there. unknown to her, she has no strength in her legs from being in bed for 2 days and not eating...those little twigs aren't really working like usual. she already face planted into a toy piano this morning. i nearly had a heart attack...and so did she. 

the best part of this surgery?? she allowed us to comfort her...the whole time. she rarely flailed backwards or thrashed at us like the last time. even in extreme pain, she constantly wanted us close to her...holding her, patting her, holding hands or within eyesight of her crib while she was asleep. there is nothing so precious as holding your child when they are in pain and knowing God is allowing you to be a part of their journey. it's a beautiful thing.

i'm not going to post any new photos of her for a few days. she is so swollen and her nose is really starting to bruise today. but her lip looks so seamless...you can't even tell where it was closed! it's really quite amazing.

dr. taylor is one of the sweetest doctors i've ever met. he was the first person to tell me i needed to cherish emery's cleft because i would be sad when it was gone...i knew when he said that, he was the right doctor for us. he didn't want to repair her cleft to make her beautiful...his goal was to make the repair excellent because that's his job...the beauty was already there to begin with.


clint put em in the bath for a long time this morning to see if we can relieve the buildup in the nose stints...those things are no joke. the doc wants us to keep them in for 7 weeks...or at least that's the goal. he said most people don't make it past 3. now i know why. i have a feeling we will throw a giant party the day they come out.

when we picked up the boys last night on our way home from the hospital, it was a beautiful sight to see how compassionate and worried they were for their sister. they literally didn't take their eyes off of her and wanted to know everything about her surgery. foster especially was very concerned and has been carefully looking out for her all day. he keeps asking me how long it will take for her new lip it blesses my heart to see how much these kids love each other. there is something so incredible about watching your kids care for one another...like all is right in the world.

since clint is home this week, the boys are doing lots of boy things...

and i am so very grateful to clint's boss for allowing him a whole week off...it makes a huge difference to always have one of us available to monitor the couch climber :)

(our dolls wear no-no's too :)

we have been so blessed to have so many people praying for emery this week. we are hopeful that good days are ahead soon.