she + i

she and i spend a lot of days like this.

her in my arms, snuggling, giggling, crying, thinking, jabbering about all types of things.
though my arms tire, my heart never does.

holding a wee one in their greatest as well as saddest moments is of the deepest treasures not just in motherhood, but life in general.

i am deeply moved by brave birth moms and foster moms who hold children for brief moments but love for a lifetime.

relief workers, doctors, selfless friends who care for orphans lost in the system...not knowing what the future holds for the sweet children they are blessed to have cared for, but knowing each one is a unique and fantastic ball of potential.

to love a child deeply...even from afar when oceans or death separates...is one of the most beautiful and painful blessings that God created.

and i am ever grateful for the people who cared for my daughter when an ocean separated.
it strikes me at random moments...the knowledge that we have an extended family we won't ever know.
it's painful and sad and perhaps the most difficult part of our journey as a family. it isn't just for her to bear alone. she will not grieve by herself when she one day realizes the loss she suffered in her early moments of life. we will all grieve with her. the loss of ones first family is perhaps the greatest of all losses, second only to loosing a child, which emery's birth family has suffered. there aren't many words i can say to make it "all better." but i will hold her. i will talk when she wants to talk. be silent when she wants to be silent. and i will never let her story be far from my lips. not because she is always "adopted" but because she is always my child and her story is important. her birth family is important even though we may never know the circumstances that led to their painful choice. we know God created a most fantastic treasure from their bloodline. He fashioned her in her birth mother's womb in a most perfect way. i am grateful to the woman who carried my child when i physically couldn't. but it is painful. i cry any time i think of her, this woman we know so well (because we know her child.) i know she must have been fantastically bright and witty. she most likely had incredibly long and full dark hair and piercing large, deep brown eyes. she was most likely petite and slender, with the most perfect of all golden skin. she most likely ate lots of noodles, eggs, rice, green vegetables, potatoes and fruit when she was pregnant because her daughter prefers those items to all others. and i believe she loved the child in her womb. she chose to carry her and give birth to her. that is love.

i will never understand it all, but i don't shy away from processing it.
because she + i is the most beautiful of all gifts and deserves thought and time. walking alongside of my child through the deepest of all pain is a journey i am honored to be a part of.



(my lovely friend kristen of KC Photography was visiting us last week and captured these sweet moments with me and my gal. since i am rarely captured in my natural habitat with my kids, i treasure every photo that has me + them.
kristen is one of my favorite people. she has passion and hope, even though she has seen some of the deepest injustices of life. she inspires me to love deeper. if you need a local photog, she comes highly recommended :)

she captivates my heart in a way nothing else can. God created her with such passion and beauty...she is truly mesmerizing. to say we adore her is the greatest of all understatements.

 

t-ball nation {team weldon}

at long last, their tball dream came true...the boys are playing on the same tball team together.

they have been more than excited to be team mates, and although little kid tball might be one of the most boring "least exciting" sports of all time, we cheer and scream and root. and when they aren't throwing their gloves up in the outfield or picking grass, they are running the bases like they hit a big leage grand slam.

last week, rowan got his first game ball after snagging 2 grounders like an old pro. he has carried his game ball for 4 days and we relive those plays over and over. he couldn't be more proud of himself.

and then there is the queen of the tball dandlions...

she's quite fond of tball games because the flowers and sugary snacks are both plentiful.

my small wonder girl

we have quiet mornings when brothers are at school.
we play with little things and talk about all kinds of life.
she is remarkably grown up when they aren't around. she feels more like a 4 year old than one that is 2.
so much of life i've never told her, she already knows. i'm in awe of the confident and patient young lady i have been blessed to love.

there are a great many things i need to learn from this small wonder girl.

the hamster charmer {my creature boy}

the babies reached 3 weeks of age past weekend, and at long last, my creature boy got to hold his babies.
this was his reaction:

all of that tedious hamster veggie chopping and late night panicking was well worth it to see his undying love for these little creatures. he has spent every day doting on them and snuggling each one. and to be honest, they are actually quite sweet. they sit so calmly and because they are so young, they are very tame, especially with rowan. he's even become quite a pro and telling the difference between the boys and girls (a skill that is quite difficult to master, let me assure you).

one evening this week, clint took ALL of the hamsters out at once to let rowan play with them on the floor. within 5 minuets we were scrambling to get them quickly back in their cage...those babies are FAST! the kids thought it was really funny to watch them scrambling all over the floor.
me? not so much.

the next morning, foster woke me up at 6 am saying "mom, i let the hamsters out and now i can't find them!!"
say what???
let me tell you, i've never woken from sleep and raced downstairs so quickly in my whole life. i must have absorbed hamster scamper powers because my scamper skills are top notch.

the sweet kid had taken them all out and put them on a towel (just like we did the night before) but they scattered so fast he only managed to snag two and put them back in their cage.
trying hard not to panic (and make him feel worse) we carefully pulled out all of the furniture and began to see little legs scampering everywhere.
it would have been quite cosmical if i wasn't so irritated to have hamsters all over my house :)
we did eventually catch them all and promptly made a "one hamster at a time rule."

anyone want a hamster? i promise they won't get loose... or at least i almost promise :)

we have a really small backyard.
so small, in fact, that ants feel cramped when they scamper about.
but somehow, we squeezed a craigslist trampoline in one corner of the yard last week, making our yard one half trampoline and one half yard.
while we appear entirely ridiculous to have added such a large item to such a small area, two little boys think it's the best thing in the whole world.
they spend hours each day jumping and playing warrior and finding new ways to giggle and play.
i think it's the best item we've ever craigslisted.

i've been working on our mini garden (near the giant trampoline) and i love listening to them when they think no one hears. their play is so creative and silly and wonderful.
they love each other the way i always dreamed.
the way best friends play and irritate and giggle.
they are wild and crazy and kind and wonderful.

 (disclaimer: i know trampolines are somewhat controversial. ours has elastic instead of springs and nets and pads and is designed for kids.)

blog friends {in real life}

we had the pleasure of spending a few days with 2 lovely guests this past weekend. i've been crazy excited anticipating their visit, and, if i'm being honest, knowing they were coming helped motivate me to get all kinds of fun projects done :)

i've learned so much over the past few years about the way that our Creator has designed our family.  the adoption journey has also taught me how God uses people in our lives and has a way of connecting friends in ways that can only be explained as being a part of God's unique and beautiful plan.
my friend Ashley has been one of the most wonderful blessings to me and to our family. we met as i was sewing and selling etsy items a few years back, trying desperatly to fund our adoption. she sweetly posted about the things i was making on her blog, Under the Sycamore, and hundreds of her readers purchased items and enabled us to fund a large portion of our adoption, even before we had emery's referral. a few months later, Ashley and her husband decided to start the process to adopt from China as well. little did we know then, her daughter would be born a month before we met emery. our girls are only a year apart and were both born with beautiful cleft lips.

although we had never met in person, she encouraged me through the agony of waiting to meet emery, through the difficult days that came when my daughter was in pain after surgery. she was there for me as i processed and grieved the loss of emery's cleft, when i needed someone who understood the things that can't be explained. she rejoiced the triumphs and little moments that led to amazing progress and growth and i've cherished her passion for Christ and her family.
when her daughter, Little One, came home in the fall, it felt as though we could finally rest, knowing her baby girl was home at last.

this weekend, we had the pleasure of finally meeting and our dream of seeing emmy and Little One together at long last came true. they played and bopped around together, wiggling on the couch like old friends. in fact, they were so wiggly, we could hardly snap a picture of them together without the blurr of business :)
it was a fantastic time of talking life and adoption letting the kids run wild outside. Ashley and Little One are gorgeous and kind and so much alike. when you see them together, you know they are mother and daughter. Little One is brave and oh-so breathtaking. the kids were so enamored by her and kept asking me if we can have "a baby Little One" of our own :)
it brings tears to my eyes when i think of how special it is to see these petite little ladies together, knowing how their lives have been entertwined, long before they were even born. i've been praising God all week at His graciousness in allowing me to be present for the story He is writing through these increadible warrior girls. Ashley is among the most real and genuine people i've ever met and i wish i could spend every day lounging by the trampoline sipping tea and chasing kiddos with her :)

 

 

 

now to find some way to move Pennsylvania closer to Oklahoma :)

my happy easter people {and my new outlook on heaven}

 

we do eggs and candy and family lunch.

some of the best times of life are had when we all get together. people eating and talking and laughing and kids running and playing and eating way too much candy while their parents are destracted.

 

but this easter, i've been more deeply aware of Christ's sacrifice.

inspired as never before to inspire my kids to know that Jesus is more than just a man. more than the easter bunny. more than they could ever ask or imagine.

 

we've been talking about heaven a lot these days.

 

sparked by the book our small group is reading together, (Heaven by Randy Alcorn), i have been mesmerized by the realness of heaven in a way that i never even considered in the past.

 

if there is any book you should read right now (aside from the bible) it is THIS book.

 

i'll be honest and say that before starting "Heaven" i didn't think much about heaven. i didn't try not to think on it, but it just wasn't a place that was particularly interesting, but i didn't know why. besides knowing we would finally meet our Savior, i worried we would be floating around in a totally unfamiliar place. maybe somewhere in the clouds with angels singing and we would sit around together unsure of what we should be doing. i knew heaven would be wonderful, but there was no visual image in my mind to attach it to.

and the though of eternity? completely and wholeheartedly terrified me.

a heaven that never ends. never. ever. no end.

(insert brain spinning. hot flashes. panic)

 

i've realized now that satan need not make us think heaven isn't real, he need only to make it seem undesirable and boring.

think of every cartoon with an angel holding a harp or any images you've seen of heaven.

do they look fun? exciting? mesmerizing?

i can't think of any.

 

but mr. alcorn explains in great depth (with Scripture to back it up) that God's original plan of the Garden of Eden, a phenomenal place of unimaginable creatures and creation and perfect relationship with God has not been abandoned.

when the bible talks about God creating a NEW EARTH, perhaps it really is a NEW earth!! filled with similar wonders and amazing creations as we now know...but our current version is just a minuscule reflection of what the New Earth will be like.

 and we will walk and talk and eat and explore and play and work just for the pure joy of working because our bodies will be physical bodies!

 

perhaps all of the incredible places on earth that i will never get to see with my own eyes will finally be accessible with a glorious eternity to explore and adventure with my Creator.

how incredible!

praise God, He made a way long ago. long before sin came and corrupted every crevice of the universe. He planned to save what He created and make it all new again.

 

i'm not doing the book justice because there is so much more. 

i can surely promise that the first 3 chapters will have you hooked to read more.

 

 

i continually remind myself that i can't do anything to save myself.

i'm a saver.

i save junk. i save baby hamsters. i want to save my children from all kinds of grief and heartache.

but i can't save myself.

the ugliness of me is still there no matter what i change.

no matter how hard i try to save.

 

i'm so thankful that easter means i don't have to fail at my own saving.

their love {is bright and beautiful}

my beautiful and wild

at some point in the night, he finds his way in. he snuggles close to daddy and i smile when i wake up and find him somewhere in the middle of us. my sweet little boy won't be little much longer. oh how i cherish these days dearly.

another sleepy one...

she finds my pillow or my arm or holds my hand... and stays close by through the night. for years i dreamed of this. waited endlessly to have her snuggling in my arms. no matter how exhausted i am, it's a blessing to feel the weight of her littleness against me. the calm she finds in sleeping close to me.
she won't be little for long....she's gaining confidence by the second.
these days travel fast and I'm not letting them go by without capturing in my heart just how beautiful and wild and fantastic they really are.

Mrs. Cutie the Replacement {and her 5 or 6 babies}

our intuition was correct.
Mrs. Cutie the Replacement was indeed pregnant.
3 days after bringing her home, Mrs. Cutie gave birth to 5 babies.
i took the advice of friends, commenter's and google very seriously and have been leaving Mrs. Cutie and her babies alone. except for my slightly nervous peeking and piling heaps of food in her cage, cutie lives in quiet solitude...in my bedroom, of all places.

i'll be honest. i've been hating on Mrs. Cutie.
i was quite convinced that she had eaten some or all of her babies at one point or another. she would be all ravenous and crazy and hovering and the babies were squealing and i literally wanted to throw Mrs. Cutie out the window.

but i left her alone (while scowling angily at her)

and lo and behold, today, i discovered that there weren't 5 babies at all.
there are 6!!
and they are getting big and look like they have hair growing...and yet still look a bit like aliens without eyes.

any idea if i'm out of the woods yet as far as the cannibalism is concerned? we are going to continue to keep our distance for another 2 weeks...and the boys have been so amazing and haven't bothered her at all. but i'm going to freak out if she eats them now.

so this is me.
googling "how to prevent chinese dwarf hamsters from eating their babies" and chopping tiny bites of eggs and carrots and damp whole wheat bread.
awesome.

DIY chandelier {pom-poms + hoops)

every once in a while, i get ideas in my brain that actually work out like i envisioned them. amongst my walls peppered in nail holes of projects gone by, i find a few ideas that i love. this is one of them.

emery's crib wall before...

and the new chandelier...

i thrifted a vintage lampshade and covered it in scraps. it was looking plain so i added pom-pom garland. still looking too plain, so i added the fabric hoops that were meant for the other wall in her room.
and voila. love.

my original idea involved stringing my vintage bulb lights inside the chandelier, but the strand was huge and green and looked strange. then i found battery lights on amazon (for $2), but they were literally florescent blue. i'm not sure why they were so blue...maybe it was the LED?
at any rate, it is a non-functioning chandelier :) but who really cares, right?

and for fun, i just had to show the array of craziness that my daughter insists on sleeping with at night. a total of...6 blankets, 11 dolls, 5 lovies and 3 pillows. and let me tell you, if one is missing?? she KNOWS. :)

(and yes i took them all out and folded them. it's the first thing i've folded in a week, i can assure you :)

we are all kinds of crazy about sleep around here. we do anything and everything for it...and if my gal wants 11 dolls to fall asleep? by all means, she will have 11 dolls. we're crazy, i tell ya.

Mr. Cutie Weldon {the hampster drama unfolds}

so last week, i found a hamster cage at the Goodwill for $6. next door to the Goodwill is a pet shop. when i saw the cage, i knew the only sensible thing to do was surprise my kids with a hamster. my rowan (5yo) loves creatures of all kinds. i think the obsession is more than kids typically have with creatures.
when he was 2, we lived near a pond infested with frogs and he literally carried a frog around all.day.long. sometimes in his hand. sometimes in his pocket. sometimes at the dinner table.

if an earth worm washes up on the sidewalk, he must be rescued. but prior to his departure back in the dirt, he simply must be made a habitat in a shoebox for at least 3 days. think of how many earthworms get washed ashore. that's how many habitats we have made. and heaven forbid we use a worm as fishing bait. no way. not in this house, partner.

last summer, he rescued a one legged cricket and carried him everywhere. the grocery store. school. the bathroom. he would sing to him, and believe it or not, the cricket would sing back.

i love his tender heart. his love for caring for others around him. his love for snuggling with me and the time he needs to calm down when something upsets him. i love that i find him on my pillow in the middle of the night, sleeping peacefully. his precious spirit. his tender soul. he feels and understands deeply.
and he can dance like nobody's business.

so when i told him he could pick out a hamster, his little world erupted with joy.
meet Mr. Cutie Weldon. a chinese dwarf hamster.

rowan carried Cutie Weldon and talked to him and sang to him nearly all day, every day for a week.
but every time foster (6yo) picked him up, Cutie Weldon would attack and bite him repeatedly. either foster tasted really good, or really bad. regardless,  Mr. Cutie the Ferocious had to go. we exchanged him for a new, preferably peaceful, replacement.

meet Mr. Cutie the Replacement. a kind, sweet, docile hamster.

when we got home, we noticed some clear differences in "his" anatomy. in fact, we discovered that "he" was very clearly a SHE and was quickly renamed MRS. Cutie the Replacement.

upon further inspection, we noticed her belly bulging out on either side... and her "baby feeding areas" are quite pronounced. yes, it seems that MRS. Cutie the Replacement is pregnant. my little people are giddy with excitement and are checking constantly to make the birth announcement.

honestly, i'm not a hamster/small rodent fan. but the thought of my kids getting to see little baby hamster's born? somehow, i love the idea.
if you are in the mood for a hamster, garage sale a cage and stop by next month...we will most likely have a few hamsters to go around.


** update:

i posted this on instagram earlier today and a few friends were kind enough to warn me that hamsters often eat their babies!! i had no idea, and i'm terrified that MRS. Cutie the Replacement will go all cannibalistic and add trauma to our hamster drama. i'm going to have to warn my littles for fear that they witness such atrocities without preparation. perhaps it's the circle of life?

if any of them happen to survive their mother's voracious appetite, we might just get to see the miracle of birth. although at this point, i'm hoping MRS. Cutie the Replacement keeps her manners about her so i don't have to replace her with a hamster eating snake :)

untangling our day

a quiet evening and a pile of old, broken jewelry.
our day felt like my tangled pile....in serious need of some repair.
as I rocked one exhausted and sad baby to sleep, her tears reminded me of how much we really just need time together.
time to talk things out and time to be heard.
time to help each other untangle what a hard day has done.
untangling takes time and long-standing patience, but sometimes you end up creating something brand new from that once tangled mess.
and the long day is worth it.
the tears dry with my kisses, and a little voice knows it is heard and loved.
oh how I treasure the time it takes to get through the tangles.