mini vacation {beachTuff coming soon}

foster had one request for his birthday: a beach day.
my husband couldn't take the day off of work, so the kids and i threw some food in the car, a few buckets and shovels and headed to the closest beach we could find (which happened to be atlantic city...slightly over commercialized as you will see from the giant billboards everywhere :)

last year, miss emery was very fearful of the water. she cried when waves came close and stayed miles away from any wet substance potentially hitting her toes.

this year?? well, i'll let the pictures speak for themselves :)

these are the only 3 pictures i have of the birthday boy from our trip. he literally NEVER stops moving and pictures aren't high on his priority list. the only thing that took him out of project mode was the world championship sand sculpting event. it was amazing to see them working!!

as a side note, we took very few things to the beach, but even traveling light made it nearly impossible to get our gang and stuff to the beach. i opted for the running strolling thinking it would roll nicely...not so. it was all i could muster to get us to the shoreline...let alone the TWO bathroom breaks we took and trekked all the way back to the boardwalk.

 

our difficulty getting to the beach made me that much more excited for the incredible beach caddy that my sister in law is working on!! clint's dad invented a beach chair that would double as a caddy over 20 years ago...and now, his sister, Julie, is making that dream a reality!! her company name is beachTuff and is soon to be a household name!!

the caddy not only carries all of the beach necessities (chairs, toys, food, junk, etc) but it converts to a beach chair and the base has a built in water sprayer and cooler!!

 

 

i've been honored to be working with the beachTuff marketing team as one of the writers on the beachTuff blog and doing pinterest research.

take a peek and spread the news! the trek to the beach will never be the same once these babies hit the sand!!

our comfort level {she & i}

we've been having long nights around here.
she cries a lot in her sleep, searching for my voice.
a few words from me comfort her back to slumber.
i often marvel at how her restless sleep is so similar to my restless days.
i often whine to myself and feel the pain of my restless nature while my Creator waits to comfort me, if only i would call out to Him. instead, i often distract myself with my phone, or food or the busyness of life...distractions that don't bring any true relief.

she receives comfort better than i.
she is an amazing example of calling out and trusting the voice of comfort will come.
she starts each day fresh and new and each day i learn so much from her.       

             

Real Friends {Know Your Heart}

the mailman brought me a giant box of love yesterday.
filled with beautiful japanese crafting and stationary supplies, washi tape (!!!!!) trinkets and candies and tote bags, the kids and i studied each item as if it were buried treasure. a dress for Emmy made her squeal with delight.
the internet is a real place, my friends. i know, i know, it's a cyber world and it's not real. filters make life look pretty when in reality laundry and clutter are everywhere. but real people are here. and some are brave enough to be real about life and motherhhood and the challenge of playing the many roles each of us are called to play with excellence. amongst the filters and hub-bub i've found real inspiration. real friends. and this box of love is from someone i've never met. never spoke words to. but she knows my heart and hears my story. i often think of her and pray for her as she goes through her day. shed tears at her courage and been inspired to love deeper and with greater passion by the way she lives her life. she's been a constant voice of encouragement, even back in the early days before Emmy came home and my heart was broken from missing her. this friend is of the dearest kind.
thank you for filling a box of love for us, sweet @skippee. you are the sweetest of all treasures.

spray paint crazy {trashpicked table & suitcases}

i get antsy. there are days that i need to create something or i might just implode...and given my DIY tactics, i'm not prone to having a plan.
sometimes, i love what i come up with, like this trash picked table. i found it on a nearby sidewalk a few months ago and man handled it into the van, while cars swerved past, honking in annoyance. if they only could see it now...white paint and gold "socks"...they would have cheered at my goldmine roadside find.

and then other times, i start with an idea and can't decide how to finish it, like these suitcases. so the project sits for a while...days, weeks or months. these suitcases have fallen victim to my indecisiveness. thanks to some great instagram friend suggestions, i think the bottom case will get painted a slightly darker shade of blue to ground it a bit, or maybe just the outside? or maybe redo them all in hombre shades?
uhg. poor little suitcases. i probably should have just left them all brown and vintage looking :)

celebrating foster {7th year of boyville}

7 years ago today, i became a mom.

a mom to a most fantastic and joy-filled son. he 'gets' me in ways that many other people don't and loves me unconditionally. he loves to invent and create together. he thinks outside the box and challenges me to embrace who i am as i watch his boldness. i never imagined my child would bring such truth to my life.
he is ever compassionate, honest, trustworthy and passionate about life.
i can't wait to see all this boy will conquer for God's kingdom on his wild adventures.
i'm honored to be the one to call him son.

(the awesome m&m filled cake was an idea from a friend...the kids LOVED it!! the secret? bake 4 layers of cake and cut a circle out of the middle 2 layers. fill the hole with any kind of candy you want and add the top layer of cake. the candy spills out everywhere, much to the delight of everyone :)

warm rain and a giant puddle {best day ever}

 

my on-the-fly DIY {sidewalk}

i'm really good at starting projects.
i'm sort of good at finishing projects.
and i'm an expert at throwing something together while having no idea of the correct way to accomplish it.

i thrive on figuring things out on the fly and i love learning by making mistakes doing.

my husband? #notsomuch.
he does things the right way. the real way. no shortcuts. no "figuring out on the fly."
when we are at target and i've filled the cart with wayyy to many targety items, i randomly put discarded things on any nearby shelf.
my husband? he literally carries every item back to it's appropriate shelf.

so, when it comes time to do a project, let's just say we don't always go about it the same way :)

a few weeks ago, i decided it was high time we put a walkway in front of our house. we had free pavers from a friend, so i figured it can't be too hard to dig a path and lay those babies out.

i gave all the kids shovels and we started digging. randomly. no measuring, or any idea of how to actually make a walkway. i wheel barreled loads of dirt until i couldn't walk. it was a looong day.
i gave up.

 

the next weekend, my sweet husband helped me finish it the right way. he taught me how to find a square edge when there isn't one and he showed me how to make a herringbone paver pattern.
he's amazing.

** our instagram feed is my new blog. feel free to say hi! @angiedweldon

little miss preschool

our little lady started preschool 3 weeks ago. we are thankful that she was accepted into a small, mini-preschool twice a week for an hour and a half. her teachers are speech therapists and the class specializes in verbal communication.

she was super nervous that first morning. very quiet and reserved. her brother clipped a 'kiss me' key chain on her backpack so anytime she felt sad at school she could kiss the bear and remember mommy is coming back soon. big brothers love her so well.

me on the other hand? i'm quite un-ready for her to be away from me. it's a short amount of time...but it feels L-O-N-G. so i fake it. we talk happily about school every so often, trying hard not to over talk it, all the while i dread every moment.

since that first day, recovery has been a process. she started reverting to previous fear based behaviors and refusing to be comforted. her nightmares have returned, so she sleeps every night on her little bed on the floor next to ours.

i can feel her despair. she cries differently. holds me tighter. sits quieter.
there is so much below the surface...real moments of grief that appear in unpredictable places.
i am blessed that she allows me to stand in the gap next to her. my child knows things about life no child should ever experience.

we do a lot of repetition when we find fear triggers. for example, we repeat her school routine over and over: "get out of car, hang up backpack, circle time, snack, games, MOMMY COMES BACK" over and over and over. she repeats "mommy comes back, mommy comes back" over and over.

her look in this shot so describes how the past few weeks have felt. when i ask her how she felt about school after the first day, she said one word: "bad."

today, her 6th day at school, she came home all smiles, telling me about a friend she sat next to at circle time and goldfish she ate at snack. she smiled and showed off her art project to brothers.
today was a good day.

we push through, even when i don't want to. even when i want to pull her out of school for another year...i know she needs to conquer this fear. i don't want to give her the injustice of living a life of fear. a warrior runs toward the battle, and in this little warrior's life, this is a very real battle we must run toward together.

Mystery Mama {ode to my daughter's first mom}

Mystery Mama, I wish you were here today.
Today of all days, you should be here. Our daughter turns 3 today.
Watching her open gifts and boss her brothers around...you should be here. You should get to take a turn chasing her on the scooter she learned to ride last week and giggling when she dances in her new sunglasses to Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Mystery Mama, we haven't forgotten about you.
I think of you often, and we talk about you. At night, when I'm rocking her and loving her, I wonder if you think about her, too. Do you walk the same streets now that you did when she was a part of you, and wonder where she is? Do you remember her tiny, beautiful face? I long to show you pictures. Videos. Firsts and Seconds and Hundreds of moments that you missed. I want you to know this magnificent creature that is the daughter we share. You are important to me. To our child. Our family.

Mystery Mama, sometimes I'm angry with you.
She needed you, just as much as she needed me. She still needs you, so very deeply. We all do. We need to know you and for you to know us. We need to fill in the other half of our family tree.
I want to know many things, like her family history and her great great grandparents names. How much she weighed when she was born and what you labor was like. I want to know how you felt about her.
And I want to know why. Why why why. It will always be lingering. The "why" question that we long to have an answer to.

Mystery Mama, I'm thankful for you.
You are special and beautiful and the amazing child we share was crafted perfectly within you.
I long to reverse time.
Reverse my genes, my genetics, my ethnicity.
I long to be you.
To be the exact one who was given the blessing of this child from the very first moment.
But clearly, I wasn't the perfect one to conceive her. Carry her. Channel life to her.
You were. Mystery Mama, you were the perfect one God chose to bring her into this world. And that's a gift we can't ever begin to thank you for.

Today, we celebrate her and we celebrate you, Mystery Mama. Even when tears fall as we wrestle with the reality of your mystery, we will honor you and we will not forget what you have given to us.

she + i

she and i spend a lot of days like this.

her in my arms, snuggling, giggling, crying, thinking, jabbering about all types of things.
though my arms tire, my heart never does.

holding a wee one in their greatest as well as saddest moments is of the deepest treasures not just in motherhood, but life in general.

i am deeply moved by brave birth moms and foster moms who hold children for brief moments but love for a lifetime.

relief workers, doctors, selfless friends who care for orphans lost in the system...not knowing what the future holds for the sweet children they are blessed to have cared for, but knowing each one is a unique and fantastic ball of potential.

to love a child deeply...even from afar when oceans or death separates...is one of the most beautiful and painful blessings that God created.

and i am ever grateful for the people who cared for my daughter when an ocean separated.
it strikes me at random moments...the knowledge that we have an extended family we won't ever know.
it's painful and sad and perhaps the most difficult part of our journey as a family. it isn't just for her to bear alone. she will not grieve by herself when she one day realizes the loss she suffered in her early moments of life. we will all grieve with her. the loss of ones first family is perhaps the greatest of all losses, second only to loosing a child, which emery's birth family has suffered. there aren't many words i can say to make it "all better." but i will hold her. i will talk when she wants to talk. be silent when she wants to be silent. and i will never let her story be far from my lips. not because she is always "adopted" but because she is always my child and her story is important. her birth family is important even though we may never know the circumstances that led to their painful choice. we know God created a most fantastic treasure from their bloodline. He fashioned her in her birth mother's womb in a most perfect way. i am grateful to the woman who carried my child when i physically couldn't. but it is painful. i cry any time i think of her, this woman we know so well (because we know her child.) i know she must have been fantastically bright and witty. she most likely had incredibly long and full dark hair and piercing large, deep brown eyes. she was most likely petite and slender, with the most perfect of all golden skin. she most likely ate lots of noodles, eggs, rice, green vegetables, potatoes and fruit when she was pregnant because her daughter prefers those items to all others. and i believe she loved the child in her womb. she chose to carry her and give birth to her. that is love.

i will never understand it all, but i don't shy away from processing it.
because she + i is the most beautiful of all gifts and deserves thought and time. walking alongside of my child through the deepest of all pain is a journey i am honored to be a part of.



(my lovely friend kristen of KC Photography was visiting us last week and captured these sweet moments with me and my gal. since i am rarely captured in my natural habitat with my kids, i treasure every photo that has me + them.
kristen is one of my favorite people. she has passion and hope, even though she has seen some of the deepest injustices of life. she inspires me to love deeper. if you need a local photog, she comes highly recommended :)

she captivates my heart in a way nothing else can. God created her with such passion and beauty...she is truly mesmerizing. to say we adore her is the greatest of all understatements.

 

t-ball nation {team weldon}

at long last, their tball dream came true...the boys are playing on the same tball team together.

they have been more than excited to be team mates, and although little kid tball might be one of the most boring "least exciting" sports of all time, we cheer and scream and root. and when they aren't throwing their gloves up in the outfield or picking grass, they are running the bases like they hit a big leage grand slam.

last week, rowan got his first game ball after snagging 2 grounders like an old pro. he has carried his game ball for 4 days and we relive those plays over and over. he couldn't be more proud of himself.

and then there is the queen of the tball dandlions...

she's quite fond of tball games because the flowers and sugary snacks are both plentiful.

my small wonder girl

we have quiet mornings when brothers are at school.
we play with little things and talk about all kinds of life.
she is remarkably grown up when they aren't around. she feels more like a 4 year old than one that is 2.
so much of life i've never told her, she already knows. i'm in awe of the confident and patient young lady i have been blessed to love.

there are a great many things i need to learn from this small wonder girl.

the hamster charmer {my creature boy}

the babies reached 3 weeks of age past weekend, and at long last, my creature boy got to hold his babies.
this was his reaction:

all of that tedious hamster veggie chopping and late night panicking was well worth it to see his undying love for these little creatures. he has spent every day doting on them and snuggling each one. and to be honest, they are actually quite sweet. they sit so calmly and because they are so young, they are very tame, especially with rowan. he's even become quite a pro and telling the difference between the boys and girls (a skill that is quite difficult to master, let me assure you).

one evening this week, clint took ALL of the hamsters out at once to let rowan play with them on the floor. within 5 minuets we were scrambling to get them quickly back in their cage...those babies are FAST! the kids thought it was really funny to watch them scrambling all over the floor.
me? not so much.

the next morning, foster woke me up at 6 am saying "mom, i let the hamsters out and now i can't find them!!"
say what???
let me tell you, i've never woken from sleep and raced downstairs so quickly in my whole life. i must have absorbed hamster scamper powers because my scamper skills are top notch.

the sweet kid had taken them all out and put them on a towel (just like we did the night before) but they scattered so fast he only managed to snag two and put them back in their cage.
trying hard not to panic (and make him feel worse) we carefully pulled out all of the furniture and began to see little legs scampering everywhere.
it would have been quite cosmical if i wasn't so irritated to have hamsters all over my house :)
we did eventually catch them all and promptly made a "one hamster at a time rule."

anyone want a hamster? i promise they won't get loose... or at least i almost promise :)

we have a really small backyard.
so small, in fact, that ants feel cramped when they scamper about.
but somehow, we squeezed a craigslist trampoline in one corner of the yard last week, making our yard one half trampoline and one half yard.
while we appear entirely ridiculous to have added such a large item to such a small area, two little boys think it's the best thing in the whole world.
they spend hours each day jumping and playing warrior and finding new ways to giggle and play.
i think it's the best item we've ever craigslisted.

i've been working on our mini garden (near the giant trampoline) and i love listening to them when they think no one hears. their play is so creative and silly and wonderful.
they love each other the way i always dreamed.
the way best friends play and irritate and giggle.
they are wild and crazy and kind and wonderful.

 (disclaimer: i know trampolines are somewhat controversial. ours has elastic instead of springs and nets and pads and is designed for kids.)